Winston Churchill Come on, you're not 19 anymore. Exactly! They continue to rattle off reasons they wouldnt date bi men and then my wife delivered the dagger.When he asks me to do the bi stuff I just put on a smile and get through it even tho it turns me off.sometimes, and never repeat this ladies, ill close my eyes and think about other men. Therapy is what you need. So what you should do? I'm not sure what her motivation was with not being up front with you about all of this, especially the telling her friends of your sexuality. Thats the shittiest advice you could give someone. She doesnt respect you, man. It sounds like she is uncomfortable with discussing issues with you that she thinks will upset you until she has to but by then the damage is already done. Do NOT let her tell you your feelings are wrong. She has been entertaining this for two years because she can't control her mouth when she's drinking. I think you should try to work this out. I think that sometimes both men and women have a form of locker room talk with their friends about topics that maybe they arent entirely truthful about with their friends in order to make them feel better. Gaslight, blameshifting, shamming, begging by the end and finally divorce. Yes, I do think you need to talk to her about it - it's not something that's going to go away. EVERYTHING she did was awful and she clearly knew that she messed up (more than once). Weirdly enough, weve never gotten any negative feedback from our closest friends. You deserve that. I could hear what they were saying and I heard one of her friends mention Tom. Right? Oh theyre judgmental so I wanted to fit in why do you wanna fit in with these people who dont respect the person you love most? "Hey babe, sorry I shit-talk about you and betray your trust. I would never be able to sleep with my wife again but OP might be better than me. It's not cool she didn't. I would divorce my husband if he let his friends make comments about my sexuality, and then proceeded to say he fantasized about other women during sex. She did not need to provide more information. Therefore I would talk to her about her views on it and, if necessary, go to couples therapy on this. Listen, Ive been a shit-faced alcoholic in my early 20s. Nope, don't buy it. How do you hang out with that friend group now knowing all their extra bullshit? I suggest an open minded conversation. She does have a right to talk to you about it, and you with her. She put you down at your own house. She said she really felt bad when she realized she outed you, but I mean how sorry is she really if here she is bringing it up AGAIN? Including mutual friends that were homophobic and a girl who hated my guts (and my ex totally knew about those things). I think you did the right thing in the moment but I would want her to confront her friends if what she said was true and come clean herself to them, Shes bullshitting about not meaning any of it. But it sounds like maybe those are friends of hers she should reconsider her position with. Me: Oh, does (friend) work with Tom? I said this as sarcastically as possible. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. That was extra stupid. Seems like she might have played along a little too much to sound cool to her friends. Oh my god I fucking lost it at your comment. This given that she initiates the sex games, and probably will never admit to friends that she enjoys them as a kink to keep the bedroom alive and hot. If I were OP, the answer to this would play a big part in how/whether I wanted to proceed in the relationship. How long have you been the butt of their homophobic jokes? She shouldn't be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff. I am so sorry this has happened to you. And if they give you a hard time, then fuck em! Those so called friends are not real friends. Plus she essentially participated or at the least validated, them ridiculing his sexuality. Your anger is justified, but breaking up your wonderful family over this is too much and a shame? No one cares. When she closes her eyes shes thinking of other men, one of those other men is probably Tom. Im about to grab the beers and be on my way. The best part was, after a couple of months, everything was solved, tadalafile was no longer necessary, I find out she had a hookup during that period. Wow dude. This story isnt funny but that first line killed me. At the end of the day, passion doesnt make a partner, love care (a bit of passion/good sex) and commitment do. But you have every right to be angry. No matter how stupid, stupid turnt I got, I would NEVER be in a state of mind to let such a personal, private thing slip out. I (28M) with fiance (27F) about a month ago overheard her tell a friend her previous Ex was the best lover she ever had It was quite by accident that I heard this. And if it was an accident, why did she give them details about what kinks you have? Yet, evrything else you've said indicates that she does value you: this relationship was not strained up until this point, and nobody (apart from some really messed up people) can "play pretend" for so long. And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. You need to tell her how this has made you feel and how hurt you are by it. Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. Implying that OP's "flaw" as husband material is because he not 100% straight and slept with men is homophobic. Please think about going to individual counseling as well as couples counseling! The moment your sexuality became some kind of giggle fodder was when it really crossed the line. You're definitely overreacting but to a strange set of circumstances. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, by filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. After some investigation the the psychologist and clinic consensus was that my mind was f***ed up. What girl no own ya sh*t. I would be scared to death to share those acts with her again. I believe you'll deal with this and adapt. I dont air out our dirty laundry for anyone else to see, especially when it comes to sex. . As long as you are honest with yourself then it will all work out. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. It's not their sex life that she discussed, it's HIS sexuality, something he stated he largely kept private. But Im not sure I know anyone who hasnt. Especially the two narrow minded ones, All these comments already have good points, I just wanna add that you should definitely take your time. Things that concern only you two she turn into an open truth and open truths she kept from you. This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. I will always defend my guy. I never said a word to anyone because I knew how bad she felt about that. Your wife violated your trust multiple times. She shouldnt care what others think of her or you, let alone talk about you negatively behind your back. I don't have anything else to say about it besides the fact that we're both happy with our sex life.". Personally I don't think it's bad enough to end a good relationship over but you should make it clear that trying to hide her mistake and belittling you to others to save her self from their scorn is both childish and cruel. How unattractive I feel. If my wife was badmouthing me behind my back, I'd be beyond pissed. Women get cold feet around marriage, but she decided to be with you. Now this doesnt mean shes a 100% shit person. The real question on my mind is why is she friends with people who belittle you for your sexuality? As in, never talk to them again. Even individual counseling as well, to help you understand your own feelings and what you want to do in this relationship. The guys and I were in the garage smoking and throwing back some beers just bullshitting about this and that. How you deal with this will depend on how you two communicate about it. I want to know how shes going to deal with her friends going forward. Is going to take a very long time to fix such fuckery. Im extremely sorry this happened to you OP. Here are some of my favorite quotes (I collect them). She said she thought about him and thinks they were young and made stupid mistakes. Whatre you guys laughing about? I ask with a smile playing stupid. If you love her at your core, and want to work through it then work but it doesn't have to happen quickly or on any schedule. Yea, some people are just too worried what their peers think and arent (strong/brave) enough to go against the group. Couples counseling could work but it may also not be necessary, you two could work on it together. I genuinely thought we were in love, until I overheard her on the phone recently remarking to a friend that she feels she settled for me and thinks about her ex every day. Id rather show my support. I think your wife is genuine when she said it was just drunken girl talk and that she was intimidated into saying things because of her friends. Just as all good things come to an end, so too do all the bad things. She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. When my husband and I had been together for maybe a year, I went to my mom exactly once for advice. Best of luck. They had quiet music playing and were talking amongst themselves. A DAD whose wife and kids stopped talking to him because he was covered in tattoos says he has no regrets. Your wife is a cowered. Would she have thrown Tom under the bus like that to entertain her friends ignorance? Sending you strength. If it were me, I would let her know that she needs to consider how this would be handled if the roles were reversed. I would want to know why, if it was me. Whoa. Letting your orientation slip to her friends is one thing, if she was drunk and it was an accident that's understandable, but it wasn't an accident to make fun of you behind your back to her homophobe friends. I packed a bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them I was going to grandmas house to help her with something. I thanked him. So many unnecessary details. Divorce her. Anywho, I keep listening and one of her friends mentions that she ran into Tom while grocery shopping and found out that hes visiting family in town. People are often unreasonable and self-centered. What a surprise, all her excuses completely absolve her! There's a lot that isn't adding up about her explanation to you. you need to think long and hard about if you think you can ever trust her again. I was hurt when I found out he had outed me to a couple of friends while bragging about some of our exploits, and he apologetically told me the day he did it because it just slipped out during bro time reading your story made my stomach churn. i think you do need to consider the idea that it probably was indeed just girl talk, same as when guys just chat shit together. Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111 They seem like they knew exactly what she was talking about, like it was a familiar topic. At the end of the day, it is you who'll decide what makes you happy not them! Divorce may be an end result. From one bi to another, I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's a bisexual's nightmare scenario to hear your long-term partner say this kind of shit. Rob the "state" of whatever you are going through of its power by giving it zero importance. Picking that moment to be the center of attention? Im so sorry this happened. Exposing your sexuality and your sex life to her friends is a massive betrayal, but it has been covered by other quality comments. Couples therapy. So much this. Does she really think they dont laugh at her for doing bi things with you behind her back as well? I keep my composure as best I can and open the slider to the patio and poke my head out. Wife: (my name) I dunno what your heard but its not what, Me: (wifes name) I know exactly what I heard.. This right here. Once you know how you need to move forward, she can either own her awful behavior and support you or she can kick rocks. Your story is isn't as violent, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear. He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. I only started being a little open about it when I moved 3 states away from them and was dating a supportive partner. If you can't trust someone with your sexuality - you aren't going to trust them with anything else that matters to you, there will always be something keeping you from sharing your full self with them. My late uncle had to watch his wife leave him on his sick bed because she couldn't bring herself so be seen that way, talking about "a whole me tending to a sick man, me I can't oh let his family do it ".. Its fucked up to add that to a conversation just to pile on and humiliate her own husband. You're in the feels phase of this situation, not in the action phase yet. I don't know why you'd even give it a B-. How would she feel if she overheard this? Not such perfect marriage after all. Theres people that will truly respect you and love you the right way. But there are definitely lines, and she crossed a big one. Youd always be thinking if you can trust them enough to give them certain information about yourself. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. Don't go silent on her. Also you say you feel emasculated. Frankly I would be more able to forgive infidelity than I would these kind of conversations. Own who you are and youll feel so much better. That's only for me and my wife to know. They were together for 3 years. That's awful. Youre delusional. She was pretty happy discussing extremely intimate shit off the cuff in a group. I am pretty much an open book with my partners. And I've faced this with my family-- I shut that crap down with a quickness. Or no, either way it was gross as fuck. Especially because the reason behind the "close call" was because OP is bi. She needs to understand that at least. Your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends. Maybe you should ask him if that not problem why he upset. We never fight. This wasn't the first time - no one but him was shocked and all the friends knew it was safe to joke about. Shes married to a bi man, and her idiot friends shouldnt have the power to make her feel bad about it. you'd be shocked but how many wives/girlfriends go into detail about their sex lives with their friends. Sounds like she cares more about what her friends think than how you feel. Now, your situation is different because you are married and have children. Take your time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers. I am floored you are the only person who has pointed this out. I guess the guy was too close or something because my wife again told him that he was drunk and should go back to the group. The world is bad enough with mean enough people, you dont need your team mate trash talking you too. Thirdly, those friends have got to GO. She and her boyfriend did it regularly. Imagine all the other crap she does drunk, only to blame it on being drunk . Lol see. Why would she tell them that you enjoy pegging? My life would have been infinitely better if my parents didnt do that shit. That's a lifetime story . She buys all kinds of outfits and toys without me even suggesting it! Do not let anybody minimize this either. Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. Your life, you know the relationship better than us, but this is plenty to break a marriage. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? There are hundreds of roles people play all the time. I mean the "I overheard my wife say something upsetting about me to her friends" genre is a little played out. Most people in the comments seem to be going off of the deep end here. I just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I was gonna break it. If my friends talked about my SO like that I would be livid and we wouldnt be friends anymore. I do not get why some people think it is okay to shit talk or make fun of their significant other to their friends, and act two faced when their significant other is in the room. He heard her, not us) about visualizing other men. Outing you accidentally is one thing, but there are a load of major no-nos here. My ex used to talk about our sex life to her friends all the time and though I thought things were good - I never felt comfortable with this arrangement. This issue has been going on and at each turn, she chose not to be honest with you. She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. Maybe your wife didnt feel comfortable telling her friends that she enjoyed herself because she didnt want to be judged. What else is she keeping from OP? Then go for it. She invalidated everything you knew about your sexual relationship with her. At the very least there's some trust work that will need to be done to rebuild some things. It shouldnt be that way forever, and hopefully it isnt one day. Your marriage is between the two of you. You have to try and think past this and think about her and the relationship as a whole. Lol, yup its amazing how scared people are to just be themselves. She has taken away your ability to feel safe being vulnerable and honest with her. Take a few more days. Same. Your wife definitely violated your trust by sharing that information with her friends. This is not helpful but wow. If everything else is great, and she is genuinely remorseful, and willing to work on your relationship, I don't see why you should write off your life together. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. I have no advice but as a fellow bi, my condolences. Well he's not open about being bi so I'm pretty sure he does care about it. There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust with anything. Many of your friends and family pick up on this anyway. They didnt hear me come into the kitchen. I absolutely agree. Its inappropriate her friends would gush over her ex with her (a married woman): I dont want to hear anyone talking up some guy I used to date while Im with someone else. She told her friends some of your kinks gross her out, and then told them she fantasizes about her ex-boyfriend while you fuck her. I have a key and texted her I needed to stay there for the night and she said of course without any questions asked. I agree with the counseling. she outed you, made cruel jokes about your guys sex life, and didnt shut down her friends for being homophobic/biphobic. Any other friends you have in common likely know. Just here to let you know bi guys are preferable. Juatt know that that is okay and it can take as long as it takes. Thats so tough. This doesnt excuse anything. Im bi and from a close knit, homophobic religious family. Kids do the joking crap and make fun of boyfriends, not decent women. i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did. Let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt for a moment. Good luck bro! The bigger problem seems to be that she's embarrassed of it, not willing to stick up for it/you, and is willing to lie to her friends to fit into what they want her to be. Not the rest of the world with their petty judgements. Just the circles I run in a guess. There is now a before and an after in your marriage. Definitely think about whether or not this is a dealbreaker. I got in my car and drove to my moms house. Accept yourself, just try to improve. Neither is divorce. ! for a few minutes. Dude, I am so sorry. I agree, marriage counseling ASAP. I haven't gotten through this personally, however, I would suggest marriage counseling if you stay with her. As an aside, in tandem I would "shore up" the masculine vibe (I'm reluctant to say it, but if shes confronted with sommething she may traditionally view as feminine then it will prove a great juxtaposition if you are more "direct and masculine" while shes going through this priocess). I wish you the best of luck and although feelings usually subside after sleep, please don't just say everything is alright when this incident has revealed fundamental issues in the relationship's trust and overall what she deems to be acceptable conversations with friends. About number 2, she's lying and trying to back pedal. You can't act if you don't know how you feel. Hubby is under the bus & she's driving over him again & again unnecessarily! So she outed you, and joked with friends about fantasizing about other men during sex because of your sexuality? People can be so two-faced with that kind of thing. Do not just shrug it off if you stay. A Young Boy Hires Prostitute For One Hour 42:46. That's just me, though. She forced him out, and its time for her to join him. Her calling it bi shit, begrudgingly doing it, thinking of someone else. Wife and I have been married 7 years and its literally the marriage everyone wants. Third, never fighting is surprisingly not a sign of a great marriage. IN YOUR HOME. No shit. Your wife hates that you're bi. "I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. I'm just saying people can be stupid. Oh come.A- at least. Decide what you need to keep the relation ship going. Your wife said that she accidently let slip two years ago you were bi. But try couples counseling and go from there. Are all your future conversations and issues also going to be relayed through said friends? It sounds like her friends are shit. Your wife's unfortunate refusal to do the same speaks to her character too. Thats not someone you stay in a marriage with. Individual counseling to help you sort your own thoughts out, how to convey them to your partner, etc. We had a group of our friends over and as the night went on we all kind of busted out into little groups. Hopefully, she falls into a better crowd that is modern and accepting. One of the guys who was there called me and I answered. Once your sexual history was out in the open and left you vulnerable to her girlfriends judgements, she decided to join in and talk shit about it and mention that she thinks of other men while pleasuring you since it turns her off. There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them.